Review: No Place for A Dame by Connie Brockway

Uncle. Seriously. I give up.

I’ve been trying to read Connie Brockway’s No Place For A Dame since November 1st. I think three months is enough. Why don’t I love this book? No idea. None. The setup is a science minded heroine and her non science minded man. There’s class conflict – he’s titled, she’s the daughter of an employee. Brockway is an author I generally enjoy, and yet  five seconds after I’ve set it down I forget everything about it. Are those scenes from this book? Other books? What was it about again? Oh yea.. I should… is that glitter?

Avery Quinn, our heroine, is the daughter of (a gamekeeper?) someone who saved our hero’s dad’s life and has therefore been set up as a quasi ward. She’s been shipped out to various scientific homes to study astronomy under the greats. If Avery was overly worldly and possibly cynical it would make some sense. Instead Avery has emerged from her academic travels almost painfully naive. She is neither of her originating class nor of her adoptive one, and she seems to understand little of both. There’s a Manic Pixie Dream Girl happening here, actually. Avery is blasting into Giles life with her obsessions and her quirks to shine a light into his corners. I think. Remember, I didn’t finish it.

So Giles is charming, rich, titled and with daddy issues for days when Avery (decides? requires?) takes a trip to London so she can join the Royal Astronomical Society by cross dressing. (As you do.) There’s some reason Giles has to go along with it (or suggests it?) but he leaves her to get there solo to see if her disguise will hold. She is neither quickly unmasked nor entirely successful in her disguise. Rather than having the Magic Breasts For Binding that so many full figured heroines do, Avery find herself wearing a fat suit. She’s a Humpty Dumpty of a lad with spindly legs and arms and a youthful face. People find her odd, but not as odd as Giles being interested in the stars.

I think the point where I gave up was something to do with her wanting to see the gentleman’s club, which Giles balks at. She is trapped in the house and bored so she befriends another young man thereby ending up in a carriage crash outside the same gentleman’s club, which Giles then invites her into. His objections that were routed in principal are suddenly swept away by practicality. There’s a lot of this in the oddly titled No Place for A Dame, Avery cannot do things until suddenly she can. Things are wrong until they are not. Let’s all smash the patriarchy because science.

There’s some bit about spy cartels and missing agents and mortal enemies and Giles being in disguise and… surely in all of this there would be something for me to care about? One would think? Alas, there was not. No Place for A Dame should have been an Americana piece about the infiltration of local government during prohibition. Or something. Something other than pseudo ward / spy guardian it’s tough out here for a lady scientist in Romanceland romping. Anyway, everyone loves it but me. If egg slash is your thing, Avery’s got your suit. Go crazy.

*This review originally appeared at Love In The Margins

Review: Your Wicked Heart by Meredith Duran

I've held off writing this review because so much about Your Wicked Heart annoyed me. First of all, the blurb being used to sell it is not only inaccurate, it's a complete inversion of the central relationship.

"She’ll do whatever it takes to secure a berth on an England-bound ship, even if it means pretending to be the wife of the absentee viscount who jilted her. But when the anchor lifts, she’s not the only impostor on board—for the stranger in her bed claims to be the real Viscount Ripton. Can she trust this devastatingly attractive scoundrel? Or is his offer of friendship only a pretext for seduction...and revenge?" - Simon & Schuster

His offer of friendship? Can I get that again, please?

"Amanda's having the worst day of her life. Her groom failed to appear at the wedding, her employer withheld her references and now a man claiming to be the real Viscount Ripton has kidnapped her. When the anchor lifts she can only pray the truth isn't as bleak as her fears." - Meoskop

I spent less than ten seconds on that. (At least I read the story.) Pretending to be the Viscount's wife? More like destitute bride in search of answers. An offer of friendship? More like crazy accusations and deranged imaginings. Can she trust him? Not if she has half a brain in her head. I haven't been reading Meredith Duran lately. The middle of Your Wicked Heart reminded me why I liked her so much while the beginning and end made me want to DNF the short and call it a day. Amanda is beautifully portrayed as a lost soul at the end of her rope. The book opens on her heartbreak and desperation giving the reader every reason to root for her. Our first encounter with Spencer shows a power mad man who can't function without the full weight of his wealth behind him. He's threatening, he's accusing, he's enraged. He doesn't have to listen to anyone because he has already made up enough answers in his head to satisfy himself. He enables his relatives (who then disappoint him) while assuming the darkest motives in those his relatives dupe.

In the center of the novella I was able to put aside Spencer's extreme dysfunction long enough for Duran to charm me with the tale of a poor little rich boy and a scrambling companion. Amanda's issues of self worth rang true, her desire for more than she has while accepting that she's likely to have even less also worked. Spencer's defensive posturing turned to desperation and exhaustion. Slowly I began to accept that this couple deserved more than a third class ticket on the Titanic. (I even got past Spencer telling Amanda she was inviting rape by appearing above deck without him because he's a super duper good guy and those sailors, no telling! This isn't some classy ship I kidnapped you onto, baby, it's full of all kinds of miscreants!!)

Eventually, Amanda and Spencer catch up to the other Viscount Ripton and all is revealed. (Here lie spoilers.) I was disappointed in Amanda's revelation that she agreed to wed as an escape. A more complex situation involving Amanda actually having feelings for both men would have been welcome. Knowing that Amanda did not love the second Viscount, Spencer still steps aside for the man. Amanda, it seems, is a commodity. He paints it as freedom of choice, but it's still appalling. A freedom of choice requires communication and Spencer hates to use his words when his power will do. Amanda tells them both to get lost. She searches for work she doesn't find until she does. She then rejects the job because Spencer arranged it for her. She hopes he will come and find her. Amanda is about to be homeless, cannot pay for her food, and she turns down the only viable job offer she has based on principle and magical thinking. I completely lost patience with her.

In a less capable author's hands I wouldn't have finished the story. Duran carried me though with her beautiful descriptions of place and her ability to make me feel for the most appalling people. If issues of power and communication bother you less than they do me you'll probably love Your Wicked Heart. There are worse ways to spend a buck and a lot Duran gets right.

Review: Rainshadow Road by Lisa Kleypas

Just... no.

As much as I loved Christmas Eve At Friday Harbor I disliked Rainshadow Road.  If this were a debut book I'd probably like it more. I'd say the author shows promise. I'd say it was flawed but likeable. As a new work by Lisa Kleypas, I have to go with Oh Hell No. While maintaining the early Loveswept vibe of her first Friday Harbor novel Kleypas has decide to take a giant leap into the paranormal pond for no apparent reason at all. It doesn't serve the story. Look, to explain why we are going to have to spoil most of Rainshadow Road. If you're planning on reading it stop here and come back when you're done. I'll wait. It's a blog, there's no time limit.

Spoiling on - our heroine has a dysfunctional relationship with her sibling after a health scare causes her parents to stop using their brains and enable her younger sister for the rest of eternity. Young Lucy discovers that when in the grip of strong emotion (Carrie) she can transform glass into something living and beautiful. No scorpions or boa constrictors for our delicate heroine - the wrongs of her life are reshaped into birds and butterflies. So, of course, she goes into glasswork for a living. After all, there's nothing like dropping thousands of dollars into materials and watching it fly out the door during a mood swing. Except that doesn't happen. Lucy's glass-ventures are relegated to minor events and disposable items. She loses a drinking glass here and there, orgasms require new window panes as they flutter into the sky. (Talk about wondering if it's worth the work. No thunderstorm sex for her.) Lucy has a few magic realism dreams and she makes a window that changes with her moods. That's pretty much it. Her glass abilities do nothing to advance the plot beyond the dream giving her a reason to be further entwined with our local winemaker, Sam.

We know Sam from the last book. Now he talks to plants and heals withered ones with a brush of his fingers. He doesn't make a vine forest, have plants shoot needles into foes or do anything interesting. The only reason he has a magical ability is so he can bond with Lucy and believe her crazy story about the magic window dream. He has a withered transplanted vine in the garden that won't bloom until - well, let's leave some mystery. (You already know, right?) OK! So if you remove all of the magic from the book you're left with an underdeveloped plot that could have been omgsogood if it wasn't for the time wasted. One of Sam's brothers is heading for the altar. The other is recently divorced and diving into a bottle. Because of his dysfunctional past Sam is all about not actually sleeping with women (so tired of that one) and only having casual sex. He chases Lucy like a dog chases cars and has the same reaction to catching her.

Lucy has a live in boyfriend that quickly reveals himself to be sleeping with her sister, Alice. Without getting into whose name is on the lease territory, Kevin (the cad) informs her that Alice is moving in so she has to get out. Lucy goes for a long bike ride and a good cry, where she briefly meets Sam. She will continue to briefly meet Sam until she ends up living with him in the worst case of plot convolution I've seen in a good long while. Lucy moves into a boarding house. She is good friends with the owners and their biker gang buddies. (She created a special window for the Biker Church.) Lucy gets in car accident and breaks her leg. (Here I need to disclose recent personal experience with an injury very like Lucy's, except I detached my foot from my ankle because I am gangster like that.) Of course she will go to Sam's house to recover, this man she has met twice. She can't return to her actual home because the owners are too busy to help. She can't fly her parents in because that would be... logical? Despite having been hit by a car neither her insurance nor the inevitable lawsuit appear to extend to in home care. She can't take the biker gang's offer of assistance because Sam hates the very thought of it. Repeatedly. For no reason. Vintage Schwinn bikers = good. Motorized bikers = bad. Even though the bikers have protected her in a bar, fixed her car and otherwise been good to her, Sam commands her to not even consider their help and takes her home. Again, for no apparent reason but that the plot demands proximity. There is a lot of this. Kevin asks Sam to date Lucy for no reason other than the opportunity for Sam to demonstrate his honesty and Lucy to later brag on it. Things happen for reasons that have nothing to do with probable real world human reactions and everything to do with the demands of the inorganic plot.

Further annoying me is the way the broken leg is handled. Having just spent a fair amount of time doing things like crying on the floor in frustration over my inability to swing my leg into my walk in shower stall, I found Lucy's mobility (and libido) completely ridiculous. Sam carries her about like she's a handbag without any strain on him or pain for her. That's not how it goes. Lucy has no daily physical therapy. She has a fairly normal life except for being couch bound and carried up or down stairs (!) by Sam the wonder man. Her showers are conducted by sitting on a plastic stool (no stopping at the medical supply store) after Sam wraps her leg in plastic. There's no leaking, no itching, no swelling or other daily concerns of a serious injury. The jostling of everyday life means an adjustment in her ice packs instead of a throbbing discomfort that damages her ability to think. When they eventually have sex it doesn't even slow her roll. Heck, Sam even gets her a new bike a few short months (weeks?) later. (Good luck flexing for the peddle without some PT, Lucy.) My ability to suspend belief took a complete hike.

Lucy is the kind of heroine you want to climb off the cross already, and Sam is the sort who never met a hair shirt he couldn't don. They will probably be very happy together but I couldn't root for them. There was no developed conflict, no true stakes. They fell in love because they were both single. They spent time together so we could have a book. This is a love story with zero calories and all the pages of the books you love!

Review: The Duke Is Mine by Eloisa James

Oh, Eloisa.

Well. I like the cover.

That sounds brutal, doesn't it? I really liked the book too. In fact I loved the book, I adored the book, I was raving about the book, except when I wasn't. There is a definite pea in this novel, and I was princess enough to find it irritating. Let's make a list of the wonderful things about The Duke Is Mine.

* Olivia has body image issues that are not papered over by a makeover, a weight loss or a new corset.

* Duke the First is the best special needs hero since Pamela Morsi wrote Simple Jess.

* Duke the Second reminded me of a number of engineers I know. His inability to process or recognize emotions easily was spot on perfect.

* The sibling dynamic between Olivia and her sister was real, touching and true.

* This book should have been epic. People should read it.

Now the sadness. Some of the character names are nonsensical. One, maybe. Two or three and you've lost me. A Justin Bieber tribute. A family of Bumtrinkets. Olivia loves limericks and scatalogical humor. A dog is named for the the heroine of Winning The Wallflower. How do I take the main characters seriously if we're going to move in and out of farce? Any of these elements are fine, but bundle them together and it's a different book. The balance of whimsy and weight slipped around too often. Toward the very end of the book I was ready to forgive all. At a strong emotional point the book took a sudden turn for single act theater. Olivia is placed in mortal danger by a slapstick troupe. Why? So we could work in the Princess and Pea plot with a side car of emotional realization.

If coming to understand what you feel for someone required having a near mortal event most hospitals would offer weddings. They don't. The entire I didn't realize how much I loved him / her until they were bleeding to death in front of me thing is played out. I'm tired of reading a book while mentally ticking off how many pages we have until one of them is abducted, shot, suffocated, drowned, diseased - oh the list goes on. It's like there is a how-to-unite-your-couple-guide somewhere detailing the exact degree of peril needed to trigger emotional response. Adding to the frustration is knowing the emotional catharsis could have been provided by the events already underway. The Duke Is Mine felt like channel surfing between Masterpiece Theater, Comedy Central, and Lifetime Docudramas. Someone needed to grab the remote and make a decision.